First, let’s clarify what this movie is NOT. Our silly proposal is not to write an Oscar bait drama like The Comey Rule, or be taken seriously whatsoever. Instead, envision a “black comedy” more akin to Death of Stalin and Vice (we’ve even found some actors from these films that fit our roles perfectly). It is important to note that we’re not looking for actors who look 100% like their real counterparts – since we care more about their ability to pull off both comedy and drama. Obviously, the more cartoon-y characters we’ve met over the years will call for more exaggerated actors (Scaramucci, just you wait).
It is likewise important to note that this movie should be made several years after Trump’s (first?) term has faded to memory so that the public can have time to rest over what is one of the most turbulent times in recent American memory. There’s a rant to be had regarding film and other media that releases much too quickly after their subject matter, but that’s a discussion for another article.
The Main Players
John Bolton – Gary Oldman
As this whole idea (and admittedly rad title) is based on Bolton’s book, it makes sense to tell a narrative from his perspective. Regardless of how you feel about his politics (we personally do NOT agree), his tenure in the Trump white house came during some critical tone-setting moments, from an in-medias-res introduction to the cabinet in April ‘18 to his September ‘19 resignation over major foreign policy fumbles. Not only would he be the focal character of the film, but also is the narrator. Imagine the opening scene to be a “no I know what you’re thinking – how the hell did I end up here?” scene perfectly setting up the tone for the rest of the movie.
Out of several people I’ve looked at, Gary Oldman is the best choice. He does resemble Bolton the most, the only problem is that I have not been able to find potential comedy from him based on what movies I’ve seen him in. However this could work, as the idea behind him is that he’s the straight man surrounded by idiots in the Oval office. Gary Olman is of course a highly versatile actor who disappears into whatever role he’s in just look how unrecognizable he is as Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour.
Another actor that has also been considered is Matthew McConaughy, He may not quite look like Bolton (at least not for another 10+ years), but comedies have a unique flexibility where actors rarely have to look 100% like their actual counterparts since they are meant to be an exaggeration of reality. McConaughy has played plenty of comedic and dramatic characters so he has the range for it.
Trump – Alec Baldwin
There simply is no other option.
In this take, Trump’s role resembles less of a boring horror movie villain (I’m looking at you, Comey Rule) and more of a guy whose incompetence Trumps (heh) his quest to be in control at every turn. A farce ensues.
Alec has been rehearsing this bit every other Saturday Night for the last four years.
Ivanka Trump – Jennifer Lawrence
Ivanka is a hard person to make out. In one perspective, she’s portrayed in the media as the “adult in the room” and generally the most sensible on the Trump train – but all too often is overshadowed by her husband’s ambitions and her father going along with other far right figures in the president’s circle. Jennifer Lawrence bears a strong Resemblance to Ivanka and has had her fair share of drama and comedy. Her role in American Hustle comes to mind.
Pence – Sam Rockwell
Rockwell does look the part, but we’re not looking for his “George W. Bush 2.0” performance from Vice. Pence is often the more silent man of the bunch, someone who is more interested being the straight man (heh) than being publicly drawn into a pointless squabble. If anything this could be a foil to his George W. Bush role – someone clearly in control while giving the illusion he’s under Trump’s finger.
Jared Kushner – Alfie Allen
There is no other person that looks like a someone who is just plain incompetent at their job. Yet has so much influence on Trump’s policy – Israel in particular. One element I like to see explored is how much Kushner was a tool to show how Trump views this whole Israel fiasco. There is an opportunity here to expose the emptiness from the administration of showing friendliness to Israel at the expense of Palestinians. Specifically, pro-Israeli policies meant to show that it’s just to prop up his evangelical base and not benefit America’s Jews. Trump did reputedly disparage American Jews who did not support his pro-Israel policies (which were most of them). It could be argued that Kushner was Trump’s Rasputin – an outsider who became family and whispered soft-spoken words into the Czar’s ear. (Don’t forget that FBI director Comey was fired because of his advice <link>). And just as Nicholas II (very falsely) believed Rasputin to represent the Russian peasants of the east, so too is Kushner falsely used as Trump’s totem of who a American Jews should be.
As for my reasons for Alfie Allen – He’s played plenty of characters that are in over their hades from betraying his adopted family in Game of Thrones, Killing John Wick’s puppy, all those things didn’t end well for them so imagine if those characters and he’s now in charge of every other policy in Trump’s inner circle, and you get a lot of hijinks.
William Barr – Brendan Frasier
Brendan’s gotten… “bigger” recently and has taken a resemblance to Barr if you age him another 20 years (not a hard job with good makeup). If there’s an opportunity for an actor who’s been low on recent screen time who can climb back from a disaster movie like this, it’s Brendan.
Rudy Giuliani – Steve Buscemi
As Giuliani continues melting in real time <insert hair dye pic>, his resemblance to Buscemi grows. When combined with Rudy’s increasingly cartoonish news appearances, Buscemi may be set up for the role of a lifetime. Steve played a gut-splittingly funny Nikita Khrushchev in the Death of Stalin even without the slightest resemblance. His subplot in this movie will be to pursue everything he can to make whatever legal defense work no matter how insane its origin.
Bit Characters
Others: I do not have a lengthy summary for my reasons for the remaining possible cast. The reason is that because it follows John Bolton’s tenure roughly not all the people may be particularly relevant to this Script. I do however want strong actors so that their relatively brief roles make a big impact. There’s some scenes where I can imagine the characters popping up.
Steve Bannon – Paul Giamati OR Richard Dean Anderson
Notable Scenes: Radio interviews or calls with Trump. Q allusions.
Melania – Gal Gadot
Two or three scenes, miserable private conversations juxtaposed by upbeat public speeches. “Be Best!”
Mitch McConell – A Turtle sock puppet
Nancy Polosi – Annette Benning
Scenes: Preceding impeachment house vote(s) in the outro.
Scaramucci – John Leguizamo
Scenes: Literally a 10-second cameo on a podium before being notified he’s fired.
Chuck Schumer – Bill Murry
Kellyyanne Conway – Laura Dern
Scenes: In the public relations war room where the advisors tell her what to say on camera.
Steven Miller – Rupert Friend
No particular scenes – just menacing in the background with his vampiric glare. Make him a creep. The child separation policies were made because of this guy. Fuck this guy.
Ben Carson – Arsenio Hall
Scenes: 5 min cameo where Carson discusses …… whatever Carson discusses. Scene ends with no one in the room except the camera. Post-credit gag potential.
Betsy Devos – Sarah Paulson
Scenes: The infamous confirmation hearings and signing off on arming teachers to protect our children.
Michael Flynn – Kevin Bacon
Scenes: In varying forms of prison/house arrest as he negotiates with the administration.
Joe Biden – Jim Carry
Literally ends with Jim Carrey’s Biden closing Bolton’s book giving the ironic twist ending that It was he that was narrating the whole time, not Bolton.
End sequence
Just so it goes all out with it’s humor and style It would be suitable if there was a cameo of Weird Al Yankovic at the very end doing a complete musical number with his Trump-themed spin on the titular song.
What is important to note is that even though they seem like cool ideas now, things have changed a lot in the past year, especially as we head into a post-pandemic post-term. What may seem trendy now may look completely dated later. With an outgoing Trump administration people may not want the same jokes that have been conditioned into us for years now, may not be funny anymore. There’s also a question about when is the right time to release this movie. But that is another Article.
