Worst “Epic” Battle Sequences in Film

#5: Rome, Season 2 – Make History, Not War

Rome was one of HBO’s earlier attempts at high-production television – later paving the way for Game of Thrones and the “Golden Days of Television” as we know it today. However, with all science comes failure, and the unfortunate victims of their growing pains were the “action” scenes of their historical drama – as most of the budget is blown on the (exquisite) costumes and sets. While it was great to see a faithful depiction of Rome during Caesar’s rise, fall, and succession, we are also repeatedly built up to epic battles that really happened – only to have the camera cut away and the results told to us as summary exposition. Talk about a total history-tease.

To their credit they do show us how Romans fought within 8 man ranks rotating every few minutes instead of fighting in a free-for-all like other movies (*cough* Braveheart, 300 *cough*). It even has a fantastic character moment where Brutus, after losing the battle, takes off his armor and faces the approaching legions – only to be surrounded and stabbed in the same manner he did for Julius Caesar. So, it delivered on some levels, but could have been so much more.

#4:  South Park, Imagination Land – So Much IP; So Little Time

The greatest fan fiction in history, wasted.

One of the best serial episodes of South Park was a three-episode story arc where the boys, particularly Butters, explore a faraway land of imagination. A land where every character imagined by humans all coexist in (dis)harmony – Strawberry Shortcake, Jesus, ManBearPig, the gang’s all here! Their peaceful coexistence is maintained only by a magical imaginary wall to separate the “good” from the “evil” – which worked out great until a vaguely motivated terrorist organization blows it all up. Then, things go about as well as one might expect…

So it becomes a battle between all evil and all good, the greatest fanfiction in history – and we barely see it. Yeah, we just simply keep cutting to the boys when really we just wish they show us more of getting to see our copyrighted characters duking it out with our favorite religious figures. Imagine how many crossover battles we could have seen Santa Claus vs Venom, Cookie monster vs Sabretooth and Optimus prime vs the Balrog. I’m not saying give them more screen time, but just enough for such an outcome to be noticed.

Though to its credit, it did give us this beloved meme: M60 for Jesus.

#3: The Hobbit – Battle of the 5 GigaBytes

There is no doubt to be had that the original Lord of the Rings has given us one of the best battle sequences ever put to screen. Boy could they not deliver this CGI shlock fest.

I could not even tell the dwarves and orcs apart. It becomes less like LOTR and more like Skyrim: the movie. Azog’s armor itself looks more like one of the outfits you pick up at the Riverwood trader in Skyrim. With the exception of Thorin, I didn’t really care about any of the characters as nearly everyone is apparently invincible. For crying out loud Legolas was flat up defying gravity. It’s clearly more corporate spectacle than substance.

#2: Netflix’s Troy: Fall of a City – Battle? What Battle?

What if I told you that the image above lasts only 10 seconds.

I’ve criticized this Netflix show for a variety of reasons that some may find controversial, but there are still other reasons to not like this show such as the mediocre acting and week writing. It’s trying to be a spectacle but fails in so many ways. There are hardly any battle scenes in this movie, and they are over in a heartbeat. It’s more of a series of skirmishes than a “war”. And when they do have armies lined up charging it almost always jump cuts to either the aftermath or Achilles going off to something else on their own. As low budget as Rome was they knew how to use whatever limited resources by keeping it close and intimate. My bigger problem with this show is when you look at the trailers you see armies charging each other. In the actual show that is it. If you are not going to show a battle don’t tease it.

The choreography isn’t that much better either, there was a scene where Achilles faces, and several Amazons and it possesses one of the worst 360 slice shots I’ve ever watched.

Honestly, you would have a much better time sticking to the Brad Pit movie.

#1: Game of Thrones – The Night Fight

Here we are, the final season we have finally got the ultimate battle between the white walkers and virtually all the characters we’ve followed over the course of 8 years. It promises to be a spectacle like no other… and I can’t see a damn thing! I understand what they were trying to do with this. They are trying to show a battle at night almost like a horror movie. The problem is unless you brighten up the screen or watch a dark room you cannot make out what is going on. I understand what director Miguel Sapochnik and the creators were trying to do, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do that.   

Seriously I had to deliberately hunt down high-contrast stills (like the one above) to make any sense of what’s actually going on.

Another serious problem is that for all the characters who were issued plot armor, someone apparently forgot to tell the camera. There have been too many moments and fake-outs where characters look like they’re going to be overwhelmed only to be saved at the last second. Even Sam – whose plot relevance has now completed with giving Jorah a new sword and Jon a new name – seemed ready for an exit and was drowning in a sea of ice zombies. When the dead bodies in the crypt began to rise it really looked like that some of the side characters like Sansa or Varus were screwed, but that did not happen either. Even Peter Dinklage did not buy into the episode’s logic. “they are bringing the dead people back to life and they put the women and children in a crypt with all the dead people.” This to me is the worst because this had the most potential to be great, and they failed.